Last night I had a nightmare.
Actually, first let me give you some back story. No one at our center is paid. Our center works differently than any other foundation. It's flaws I believe are actually it's strengths. No one from top to bottom is paid so that creates a problem, but also solves one. We don't have people specifically hired to do fund raising, hiring, finances...etc...so all of that work falls on the directors at the orphanage/safehouse. Unfortunately this also means a few less hours to spend a day with the children. However, this also means that any money that comes through the center go all goes to the wellbeing of the kids and thank goodness because there are a lot of them...approximately 125 kids... Luckily though there are plenty of directors at our center and we aren't exactly strapped to our computers so the children really get all of the attention they deserve. I've never felt as though they were at all deprived. A few days ago one of our directors was let go because he wasn't showing any signs of work. I had received a bad vibe from this particular director during our first staff meeting when he mentioned he needed some help on some construction on the dining hall and when I offered, he looked me up and down and very condescendingly said, "No, it's fine". He is the only person at the center in nearly three weeks that I have been there that has never introduced himself. So this particular employee was let go, or at least that was the plan. He was told he had a day to pack up and leave. He has only been at the center for about 2 months so in any case this is still a provisional period, and trust me...it is VERY hard to get let go from such a place. He not only refused to leave, but threatened several of our directors. The next few days were very unpleasant as we tried to formulate a plan. We then finally gave him an ultimatum as we suspected he had been plotting. The problem for us you see is that in the country of Kenya, one is not allowed to even volunteer without a work permit. A work permit in Kenya is equivalent to $1000... American money. The foundation is trying to establish itself as a missionary, where the work permit would only cost $25 American dollars .It seems a little strange that such a needy country makes it so difficult for people to want to help. I can't blame the kids or any of the other wonderful people I've met while I'm here if I had to do everything again knowing how this would end, without a doubt I would. So the day we let him go, he called the local newspaper and informed them of foreigners working here illegally. After he finally departed, he came back with the local news and more than a handful of reporters. For the safety of the kids, no one was allowed in. He has been threatening to go to immigration for some time now, but it seems this time he would go in peace. He got his 5 minutes of fame...the deed is done. The next day we were going to pick up almost 60 of the kids from the center at their villages as they were on holiday and spending their vacation time there. To be completely honest I wasn't exactly looking forward to a 6 hour drive to a completely remote and desolate location only to spend the night and head back in the morning. I found out hours before the departure that I would be the only director going on this particular trip accompanying the driver, our cook and a few of the older kids. We left at 4 in the morning, and I have to tell you, I had the best seat in the vehicle. Our foundation vehicle is like a bus with a cab. I sat window seat. As soon as we left Nakuru, I fought with everything inside of me to stay awake. These are the kind of sights that really change someone. I got my African safari and I almost missed it because of lack of sleep. The entire way there was full of these extraordinary sights, the entire left side of my trip was the cliff sides you only see in movies....no words....We finally pass all of the sights and come across what seems like just desert, and not the kind from home. The sands in these deserts are so light that the slightest wind or disturbance diminishes any sort of visibilty. It boggles me how the driver even knew where we were going, there was no road map, no signs and absolutely no civilization in sight. This is the kind of scenery where bodies are buried...needless to say, as with most of my time on this adventure...everything worries me, dumbfounds me and somehow finds a way of enlightening me. In the distance I see a small tin structure. We arrive at it and everyone begins getting out. I immediately feel that African heat that everyone warned me of and before I was able to lather it on, in the distance I see a little man walking toward us, and then I see a few more....then little girls begin to arrive...and some older folks...... this legitimate African tribe approaches everyone in the car including myself to embrace us. It seems they are familiar with my passengers and as excited I am to be meeting them, I am still completely unaware as to why we are there. I don't see any children from the center so what brought us to this abandoned part of the world? Two of the boy that came with us begin unloading these potato sacks. My curiosity inspires me so I took a closer look and noticed that each one was filled with either cabbage, corn, flour, beans or rice. It dawned on me...we were doing a famine feed. I don't think I had ever seen anyone so happy. Ever. We made five different stops, said our hello's and dropped off the goods. I never in my wildest dreams imagined such a feeling of fulfillment, gratitude and humility. Suddenly it became clear that what seemed like this tedious and boring trip was actually something I'd been waiting for my entire life. I was more than satisfied with my involvement with the kids, but to really see and experience this is bar none the greatest gift of all. This is the kind of thing I hope to be doing throughout my life. This is what I came here for.
I nod off in the truck...traveling, the heat...and this milk I was drinking...once again...Milk was a baaaad choice.
Back to my nightmare...
I have this dream where as I am having this glorious adventure my fellow staff members at home come across a bit of trouble. The news gets to the local government of our illegal position and they decide to pay the center a visit accompanied by this former disgruntled director. He points out everyone who is working illegally and the government officials confiscate their passports disabling them from fleeing. I get news of this from another director already staying in the same town as I am. She tells me of this and that they have to go to the immigrations office in the morning to sort things out. This is where our worry begins. Optimism is a bit forced at this point, but absolutely necessary. We all have lunch as a group, then take a walk around this tiny town, maybe 1 block in area. Very dusty and the structures are either huts or made of tin. To be honest, I quite enjoy the peaceful serenity of it all. The cook, Robin, and I kill time at the local "bar". We each have a bottled coke, and talk about the center, the kids..the things that need improvement and of course...the situation at hand. He repeats over and over how blessed I am to have avoided this. I still have my passport and as of yet, the government doesn't even know I exist. We go back to the restaurant and have dinner. This is where Maddie (the other director) informs me of what is only the second news flash in a feverish downward spiral of events. The directors who were at the center when the government officials came are being summoned to court to discuss their case. My heart sinks and I lose my breaths as an infinite amount of questions arise; Why would someone do this, what were they trying to accomplish, do they not realize that if there are no directors at the center all 125 kids will have no place to go, why is such a noble cause the object of prosecution, what will be the consequences, and why...for God's sake...why not me, I am equally as guilty of such "crimes" as everyone else. I got lucky is what most people would say. Suddenly that memory of my mother giving me her rosary right before I leave to the airport saying "this will protect you" flashes into my head. It hasn't left my neck since I left and I'm not sure It really belongs anywhere else. Now to be completely honest, I don't know If I believe this is divine intervention or simply the grace of a mothers wish that brought about this simple miracle. Why.not. me. As we are sitting around a campfire Maddie tells me of her day, we are all trying our hardest not to think about what was waiting for us when we get back to the center, but somehow the universe wanted this particular topic to be on our minds, for right as I started to feel comforted by the fact that this is a silly reason to worry, all we are trying to do is help the kids, Maddie receives another phone call. The lawyer that the directors spoke to said there is only two ways this case could go...either a ridiculously hefty fine or the other...and brace yourself...I wish I had....1 year in Kenyan prison. The nausea set it and it was gladly accompanied by panic, guilt and the leader of the clan...fear. I don't understand how this is happening. I can't believe this is happening. I pinch myself, I don't know if it's the dream state or fact that all of my blood has viciously rushed out of my face and into my gut. The exhaustion from the days worries set in. I ask for the key to my room, I unlock the door walk in, sit on my bed, and before I can feel the roller coaster feeling of falling back into my pillow I fall fast asleep.
"Day light licked me into shape, I must have been asleep for days"
....I open my eyes and look above me to see the familiar sight of a mosquito net. I sit up, rub my eyes and realize I fell asleep with all of my clothes on...shoes hat and all...for a brief moment as I come to, the sudden feeling comes over me that it was all just some bad dream. I look to my left and instead of my roomate from the center GG I see Robin.
The only thing worse than dreaming something up so violently evil is to wake and find out that it's all.f***ing.real. The government did take their passports. They are being summoned to court. They are possibly facing one year in prison....f***. It's like in this one last trip I experienced everything, every emotion, every experience, the best and the worst situations I could have possibly come across in the next 6 weeks, 3 days, 15 hours, 41 minutes and 18 seconds....all happened in one "holy s***" of a day. What happens now? We can't take the kids back to the center...there is no one running it. We have to go to where all of the kids wait for us and tell them that we can't take them with us. That they have to go back to their tribes...that we failed them somehow and came all of this way just to let them know that we can't do a f***ing thing. After this we start our 6 hour drive into town. The entire ride I am wondering what in the world am I going to do? We stop for one last lunch about an hour and a half from our center and it dawns on me. I can't go back to the center. Not only can I not go back to the center, but I have to go my own way from here on. The driver received a call from one of the elder kids at the center saying the police are looking for another director. There are checkpoints right before the city line and if they see what looks like a volunteer in the center truck ( we have the name painted on the side of our truck) I will for certain be detained. I take a private minibus to town to pose as a tourist until I can figure out what I can do. Now I am here in Nakuru, at a cybercafe across the street from my hotel room.......if you are reading this, I hope this explanation finds you well....I will either be seeing most of you very soon or not for another year....and regardless of the outcome...one hell of an adventure.....
The honest to God truth....and you may think me crazy for feeling so...but I can not wait to come back here
Actually, first let me give you some back story. No one at our center is paid. Our center works differently than any other foundation. It's flaws I believe are actually it's strengths. No one from top to bottom is paid so that creates a problem, but also solves one. We don't have people specifically hired to do fund raising, hiring, finances...etc...so all of that work falls on the directors at the orphanage/safehouse. Unfortunately this also means a few less hours to spend a day with the children. However, this also means that any money that comes through the center go all goes to the wellbeing of the kids and thank goodness because there are a lot of them...approximately 125 kids... Luckily though there are plenty of directors at our center and we aren't exactly strapped to our computers so the children really get all of the attention they deserve. I've never felt as though they were at all deprived. A few days ago one of our directors was let go because he wasn't showing any signs of work. I had received a bad vibe from this particular director during our first staff meeting when he mentioned he needed some help on some construction on the dining hall and when I offered, he looked me up and down and very condescendingly said, "No, it's fine". He is the only person at the center in nearly three weeks that I have been there that has never introduced himself. So this particular employee was let go, or at least that was the plan. He was told he had a day to pack up and leave. He has only been at the center for about 2 months so in any case this is still a provisional period, and trust me...it is VERY hard to get let go from such a place. He not only refused to leave, but threatened several of our directors. The next few days were very unpleasant as we tried to formulate a plan. We then finally gave him an ultimatum as we suspected he had been plotting. The problem for us you see is that in the country of Kenya, one is not allowed to even volunteer without a work permit. A work permit in Kenya is equivalent to $1000... American money. The foundation is trying to establish itself as a missionary, where the work permit would only cost $25 American dollars .It seems a little strange that such a needy country makes it so difficult for people to want to help. I can't blame the kids or any of the other wonderful people I've met while I'm here if I had to do everything again knowing how this would end, without a doubt I would. So the day we let him go, he called the local newspaper and informed them of foreigners working here illegally. After he finally departed, he came back with the local news and more than a handful of reporters. For the safety of the kids, no one was allowed in. He has been threatening to go to immigration for some time now, but it seems this time he would go in peace. He got his 5 minutes of fame...the deed is done. The next day we were going to pick up almost 60 of the kids from the center at their villages as they were on holiday and spending their vacation time there. To be completely honest I wasn't exactly looking forward to a 6 hour drive to a completely remote and desolate location only to spend the night and head back in the morning. I found out hours before the departure that I would be the only director going on this particular trip accompanying the driver, our cook and a few of the older kids. We left at 4 in the morning, and I have to tell you, I had the best seat in the vehicle. Our foundation vehicle is like a bus with a cab. I sat window seat. As soon as we left Nakuru, I fought with everything inside of me to stay awake. These are the kind of sights that really change someone. I got my African safari and I almost missed it because of lack of sleep. The entire way there was full of these extraordinary sights, the entire left side of my trip was the cliff sides you only see in movies....no words....We finally pass all of the sights and come across what seems like just desert, and not the kind from home. The sands in these deserts are so light that the slightest wind or disturbance diminishes any sort of visibilty. It boggles me how the driver even knew where we were going, there was no road map, no signs and absolutely no civilization in sight. This is the kind of scenery where bodies are buried...needless to say, as with most of my time on this adventure...everything worries me, dumbfounds me and somehow finds a way of enlightening me. In the distance I see a small tin structure. We arrive at it and everyone begins getting out. I immediately feel that African heat that everyone warned me of and before I was able to lather it on, in the distance I see a little man walking toward us, and then I see a few more....then little girls begin to arrive...and some older folks...... this legitimate African tribe approaches everyone in the car including myself to embrace us. It seems they are familiar with my passengers and as excited I am to be meeting them, I am still completely unaware as to why we are there. I don't see any children from the center so what brought us to this abandoned part of the world? Two of the boy that came with us begin unloading these potato sacks. My curiosity inspires me so I took a closer look and noticed that each one was filled with either cabbage, corn, flour, beans or rice. It dawned on me...we were doing a famine feed. I don't think I had ever seen anyone so happy. Ever. We made five different stops, said our hello's and dropped off the goods. I never in my wildest dreams imagined such a feeling of fulfillment, gratitude and humility. Suddenly it became clear that what seemed like this tedious and boring trip was actually something I'd been waiting for my entire life. I was more than satisfied with my involvement with the kids, but to really see and experience this is bar none the greatest gift of all. This is the kind of thing I hope to be doing throughout my life. This is what I came here for.
I nod off in the truck...traveling, the heat...and this milk I was drinking...once again...Milk was a baaaad choice.
Back to my nightmare...
I have this dream where as I am having this glorious adventure my fellow staff members at home come across a bit of trouble. The news gets to the local government of our illegal position and they decide to pay the center a visit accompanied by this former disgruntled director. He points out everyone who is working illegally and the government officials confiscate their passports disabling them from fleeing. I get news of this from another director already staying in the same town as I am. She tells me of this and that they have to go to the immigrations office in the morning to sort things out. This is where our worry begins. Optimism is a bit forced at this point, but absolutely necessary. We all have lunch as a group, then take a walk around this tiny town, maybe 1 block in area. Very dusty and the structures are either huts or made of tin. To be honest, I quite enjoy the peaceful serenity of it all. The cook, Robin, and I kill time at the local "bar". We each have a bottled coke, and talk about the center, the kids..the things that need improvement and of course...the situation at hand. He repeats over and over how blessed I am to have avoided this. I still have my passport and as of yet, the government doesn't even know I exist. We go back to the restaurant and have dinner. This is where Maddie (the other director) informs me of what is only the second news flash in a feverish downward spiral of events. The directors who were at the center when the government officials came are being summoned to court to discuss their case. My heart sinks and I lose my breaths as an infinite amount of questions arise; Why would someone do this, what were they trying to accomplish, do they not realize that if there are no directors at the center all 125 kids will have no place to go, why is such a noble cause the object of prosecution, what will be the consequences, and why...for God's sake...why not me, I am equally as guilty of such "crimes" as everyone else. I got lucky is what most people would say. Suddenly that memory of my mother giving me her rosary right before I leave to the airport saying "this will protect you" flashes into my head. It hasn't left my neck since I left and I'm not sure It really belongs anywhere else. Now to be completely honest, I don't know If I believe this is divine intervention or simply the grace of a mothers wish that brought about this simple miracle. Why.not. me. As we are sitting around a campfire Maddie tells me of her day, we are all trying our hardest not to think about what was waiting for us when we get back to the center, but somehow the universe wanted this particular topic to be on our minds, for right as I started to feel comforted by the fact that this is a silly reason to worry, all we are trying to do is help the kids, Maddie receives another phone call. The lawyer that the directors spoke to said there is only two ways this case could go...either a ridiculously hefty fine or the other...and brace yourself...I wish I had....1 year in Kenyan prison. The nausea set it and it was gladly accompanied by panic, guilt and the leader of the clan...fear. I don't understand how this is happening. I can't believe this is happening. I pinch myself, I don't know if it's the dream state or fact that all of my blood has viciously rushed out of my face and into my gut. The exhaustion from the days worries set in. I ask for the key to my room, I unlock the door walk in, sit on my bed, and before I can feel the roller coaster feeling of falling back into my pillow I fall fast asleep.
"Day light licked me into shape, I must have been asleep for days"
....I open my eyes and look above me to see the familiar sight of a mosquito net. I sit up, rub my eyes and realize I fell asleep with all of my clothes on...shoes hat and all...for a brief moment as I come to, the sudden feeling comes over me that it was all just some bad dream. I look to my left and instead of my roomate from the center GG I see Robin.
The only thing worse than dreaming something up so violently evil is to wake and find out that it's all.f***ing.real. The government did take their passports. They are being summoned to court. They are possibly facing one year in prison....f***. It's like in this one last trip I experienced everything, every emotion, every experience, the best and the worst situations I could have possibly come across in the next 6 weeks, 3 days, 15 hours, 41 minutes and 18 seconds....all happened in one "holy s***" of a day. What happens now? We can't take the kids back to the center...there is no one running it. We have to go to where all of the kids wait for us and tell them that we can't take them with us. That they have to go back to their tribes...that we failed them somehow and came all of this way just to let them know that we can't do a f***ing thing. After this we start our 6 hour drive into town. The entire ride I am wondering what in the world am I going to do? We stop for one last lunch about an hour and a half from our center and it dawns on me. I can't go back to the center. Not only can I not go back to the center, but I have to go my own way from here on. The driver received a call from one of the elder kids at the center saying the police are looking for another director. There are checkpoints right before the city line and if they see what looks like a volunteer in the center truck ( we have the name painted on the side of our truck) I will for certain be detained. I take a private minibus to town to pose as a tourist until I can figure out what I can do. Now I am here in Nakuru, at a cybercafe across the street from my hotel room.......if you are reading this, I hope this explanation finds you well....I will either be seeing most of you very soon or not for another year....and regardless of the outcome...one hell of an adventure.....
The honest to God truth....and you may think me crazy for feeling so...but I can not wait to come back here
Thats life man. Your living freaking life as its supposed to be. Life is supposed to be a beautiful exciting scary-as-hell adventure, and you're right in the middle of it. I'm only slighlty worried for you and SUPER excited for you because I know what it's like to be in a situation like this and to feel fully alive and to struggle for something you believe in with everything you have. You make great decisions, trust yourself and trust G-d and im sure i'll be seeing you stateside soon. Can't wait to catch up.
ReplyDeleteThis is an automatic "follow blog".
ReplyDeletewhoa-I'll be praying for you. God will be with you, He's entrusted you with this adventure, trust Him.
God, you are an amazing person
ReplyDelete